In My Life
by KlainesSecretChild
Summary: Text format conversations between Kurt and Sam. Apparently, they have no other way of speaking. Some sexting in most/all chapters Rated M cause I'm paranoid.
1. Movie Marathon

In My Life

**Text format conversations between Kurt and Sam. **

**Apparently, they have no other way of speaking. Some sexting in most/all chapters**

* * *

**Chapter 1- Movie Marathon**

* * *

_**Kurt, hey! I've not had a chance to talk to you. Do you maybe want to come over next week and have a movie marathon with me? You know movies better than anyone I know and I thought it'd be fun. Thoughts? – Sam. E xx**_

Kurt unlocked his phone (Password: 4242- GAGA) and looked at the message, and began to tap a reply.

_**Sam, hey! I've been thinking and I think it's a splendid idea and we should definitely have a marathon. I'll bag my DVD collection and we'll go from there. I was thinking maybe Wednesday? Kurt. H xx **_

_**Kurt, that's great! Wait, isn't Wednesday…? Never mind. I'll see you then! – Sam xx **_

_**Sam, yes Wednesday is Valentine's Day. We're both single and I thought we could spend it as friends, if you want to… - Kurt xxxx**_

_**Kurt, I'd love to spend Valentines with you. But…as…more than a friend. – Sam xxxxx **_

_**Wait, what? Seriously? I'd love to! I hope you're not kidding! – K xxxx **_

_**Definitely not kidding. It's all I've thought about since Duets week. – S xxxx**_

_**Really? What about Quinn? – K xxxx**_

_**Beard. – S xxxx**_

_**Very detailed, Sam. Well done. :-) – K xxxx **_

_**Why thank you! I do try. – S xxxx **_

_**So…are you my boyfriend? – K xxxx **_

_**As long as there's not some other guy hidden in your closet, then yes, most definitely! – S xxxx **_

_**Wow. – K xxxx **_

_**Very detailed, Kurt. Well done :-) – S xxxx**_

_**Why thank you! I do try. – K xxxx**_

_**I can't believe you just did that. You're such a goober. – S xxxx **_

_**Technically, you're the goober for starting the copycatting. – K xxxx**_

_**Ah, I believe you are correct. Bitch. – S xxxx**_

_**:P – K xxxx**_

_**. – S xxxx**_

_**What the hell? – K xxxx **_

_**.- S xxxx**_

_**Okay, Sam! – K xxxx**_

_**.- S xxxx**_

_**-.- - K xxxx**_

_**Okay, okay! You scared me. See you on Wednesday, I have to go and help my mom with the gardening. – S xxxx**_

_**I can just imagine you without your T-Shirt on, those fine muscles ripping as you rip a weed from it's home in the ground… ;) – K xxxx**_

_**Oh you! Come over and help if you'd like. My mom says you're more than welcome. ;) – S xxxx**_

_**Okay! I'll just change into my coveralls. :D – K xxxx**_

_**Bye! – S xxxx**_

* * *

**THURSDAY NIGHT **

_**I had a great night last night. – K xxxx**_

_**So did I. – S xxxx**_

_**Strangely, I liked Avatar. I thought it was Star Wars 2.0 at first. – K xxxx**_

_**And I enjoyed Evita AND Phantom of the Opera more than I thought I would! – S xxxx **_

_**I'm glad. If you didn't, then you'd have to die… - K xxxx**_

_**I can't tell whether you're serious. – S xxxx**_

_**Kurt? – S xxxx**_

_**Kurt? – S xxxx**_

_**Yes? – K xxxx **_

_**You're not serious, are you? – S xxxx**_

_**You tell me – K xxxx**_

_**Great. Now, I won't be able to sleep… - S xxxx **_

_**Ha. I win. ;) – K xxxx**_

* * *

**A/N: I'm kinda going crazy tonight. Two chapter of _Diary of Hate, _one chapter of _Mine, _and now a new story...what the hell is wrong with me? A fanfiction obsession, I guess...! Perfectly healthy of course...*looks shiftily*... Anyway, hoped you enjoyed it. Review me some chapter prompts/suggestions**


	2. Havoc In History

Chapter 2

* * *

**Bold- Sam **

_Italic- Kurt _

**Thank you to **_**DasherThePrancingDancer**_ **for this prompt. I really appreciate it. Don't be afraid to prompt again!**

* * *

_Sam, are you listening? _

**Huh? What?! Yeah of course! **

_You're drooling! ;) _

**Haha, thanks. I'd have looked idiotic if anybody else saw…wait. Why is everyone looking at me? Including Mr Kearney! **

_That'll teach you to fall asleep in class_

**He's still letting me text you though. If he has even seen my phone**

_Count yourself lucky. He caught me texting Tina once and almost ate me. _

**That's funny. **

_You think I'm joking… _

**Oh… I can see why that's bad. **

_Yeah. This is really distracting. My vibrate tone is really strong. _

**Kurt? You seem…aroused. The table doesn't hide much. Wow! You seem quite well endowed. **

_Um…Um…Thank you? _

**That's a VERY good thing. For me; ) **

_Oh, Sam. _

**Yes? **

_I just love that vibration. Text me again. _

**I'll text you forever if you like it. Your hair looks amazing today. **

_Thanks, baby. But what about every other day? -.-_

**It looks even better today. You look like you should be in a magazine. **

_Vogue? _

**You bet. **

_Aww, that' so SWEET! _

**I happen to now be enjoying the long, strong vibrations too. I have deep pockets, so…**

_So…_

**It's driving my cock up the wall. **

_You're just exacerbating the matter now, Sam. _

**It's just so serpentine; I feel the need to inform you about it. **

_Lamenting about your penis, Sam is not the way to pass your AP History course. _

**I can always get help off my boyfriend, who is amazingly sagacious and erudite. **

_I see you'll have no problems with your English final. And who says your boyfriend will help you, huh? _

**I do. I just kiss his weak spot and he's my eternal slave. **

_Let me guess, is his weak spot somewhere around his…neck? _

**How did you know? : D **

_Your boyfriend and myself share everything with each other. Even the shower, strangely enough. _

**Really? He's a great person isn't he? **

_He really is. _

**Wow. Modesty's your strength isn't it, Kurtie? **

_I regret the day that I ever allowed you to call me 'Kurtie'. -.-_

**I love it. It's cute, just like you. **

_Oh really? _

**Yeah. **

_Well, I think my boyfriend Sammy is going to get some happy times tonight. _

**I'm sure he's looking forward to it. ; ) **

_I hope he is. _

**Trust me. He is. **

_I can see that, by the size of his erection. I think you're the very well endowed one. _

**Oh, well if that's the case, we're going to have some very BIG fun… **

_I cannot fucking wait… _

**I can see. You've had your boner for like twenty minutes. :D **

_Well when your boyfriend looks like you do it's kinda hard to walk. _

**Thank you for that! **

_Well, there's the bell. Better go. _

**Kurt, we kinda can't for a while. Happy Mailman Day. **

_Haha, that's funny. Great, now that just reminds of Finn getting a boner. Ooh, mine's gone. I'll see you later. :) _

**Ha. Wait, don't leave me. Please!**

_I wouldn't dream of it. _

**Thank you. Now let's go to my house… **

_I'll get my car. _

**The car, eh? **

_No, Sammy, we're not fucking in my car. One because it'll get it dirty, and two because well…do you not remember the Vow? _

**Of course I do. I would never forget the massive hard-on I got from seeing Channing Tatum's naked ass. **

_That was a GREAT night, wasn't it? _

**That's immortality, my darlings. **

_I almost forgot! Before we do it, we're watching Pretty Little Liars. The new episode airs tonight! _

**How could we miss it? **

_We couldn't. I would die. _

**And then I'd do an Edward Cullen and try to kill myself too. **

_NO! I Would never let you do that. _

**We're kinda getting off track aren't we? **

_Most definitely. _

**Okay. I'm standing next to you now, I'll stop texting you. **

_BYE HONEY! _

**BYE KURTIE!**

* * *

**A/N: Another weird chapter. I swear, I'm on fire! Don't forget to prompt and review!**


	3. Pretty Little Phantom

Chapter 3

**So here's Chapter 3. **

**Response to a review from snow-leopard-demon24= Probably not. There'll be a lot of normal writing after this chapter. Since I'm starting the musical next chapter, it'll be more story format. :D**

**Also, to use snow-leopard-demon24's prompt for 'texting in Glee Club'. Thank you for that! **

**Bold- Sam **

_**Bold and Italic- Kurt**_

* * *

Just before lunch, Kurt and Sam had History. Kurt loved History and yearned to learn more about wars and the Renaissance and interesting subjects like that. Sam on the other hand, despised History with a burning passion. He hated Mr Lainworth for he spat almost every sentence and as Sam's assigned seat was at the front, he couldn't text Kurt. Mr Lainworth watched him like a hawk waiting for it's prey to make a fatal error, and then he looked as though would pounce on Sam and use his sharp teeth to clamp down on Sam's jugular vein! So, maybe Sam watched too many vampire movies, but who hasn't? It's not all about Twilight you know. Inside, Sam practically skipped to Glee Club, whilst Kurt made a valiant attempt to keep up with Sam's long strides, resulting in his looking like he was racing Sam.

They entered the choir room, Sam's happy smile grand enough to light up the whole of North America for three years. He took a seat on the back row and Kurt sat adjacent to him. Mr Schue ambled into the room, waving around a piece of paper.

"I'm going to try this new assignment in which I assign you guys' songs and you learn two weeks to learn them and perform them…" Mr Schue trailed off, unfurling the scrap of paper. Kurt and Sam rolled their eyes simultaneously and extracted their phones.

_**Another boring Mr Schue assignment. I bet he's given me Eminem. Trying to 'get me out of my comfort zone.' **_

**Haha, you get Eminem and I'll get like…Barbie! **

_**Barbie is a doll, Sammy. **_

**And Eminem is a rapper. You're screwed. **

_**You think I'm screwed? Watch your back, bitches. –A **_

**I know you're not A, sweetie. :D **

_**I forgot you share the same A views as me! Damn. Worth a shot. **_

**Dare you to send one to Mr Schue. **

_**You're on. Then you have to send one to Rachel. **_

**Deal. **

Kurt wired his phone so the Caller ID was 'Blocked ID' like On 'Pretty Little Liars' and constructed a message for Mr Schue.

_**William, nice assignment. Careful who you talk to. –A **_

Kurt stifled a giggle as he hit send. Mr Schue's ringtone 'Don't Stop Believin' sounded and everyone laughed.

"Hang on. I might need to get this." Will laughed. He checked his phone and frowned. He shot a dangerous glare at Artie.

"Artie, why did you send a text like that?" Mr Schue bellowed. Artie looked confused.

"I didn't. Mr Schue, my phone is at home today. It's charging." He quickly said. Kurt and Sam were heavily guffawing in the corner. Mr Schue turned red.

"Mr Schue. It's a little prank off a TV show. Let loose a little." Kurt joked.

"Just don't do it to me again." Will replied.  
"'Kay."

_**Your turn. **_

**Here goes… **

**Hey, Rach. Sectionals is coming up…turn down the solo or else… -A **

Rachel's phone played _No Good Deed_ and she read the text.

"Kurt! How dare you!" Rachel roared.  
"Wasn't me, Rach." He said honestly.

"I know your lying face and you're telling the truth. SAM!" She shouted.  
"Guilty." He piped up. He face went the same colour as Will's did.

_**That was fun. **_

**Nothing beats scaring Glee clubbers shitless. **

_**Well, I know something that does beat it…; )**_

**Oh, THAT. Definitely. I take that back. **

_**You know…I could use a little Sam time. **_

**Could you now? ; ) **

_**Definitely. You know, my place is free tonight… **_

"Kurt, Sam, are you paying attention?" Will asked.

"Sure, Mr Schue." Sam answered lazily.

"Look at your songs then!" He instructed.

Kurt glanced down at his paper. _**Hallelujah **_by Paramore. Fantastic…

Sam glanced down at his paper._** Peacock **_by Katy Perry. Sam felt the colour rush to his cheeks. Will looked at him, smiling evilly.

_**What'd you get babe? **_

**You first… **

_**Hallelujah. Paramore. Can you believe it? **_

**I can see you singing that. Guess who I got? **

_**Barbie? **_

**Haha, funny guy…No, Perry. **

_**Oh God. You didn't get…The Song Of Evil did you? **_

**What do you mean by that exactly? **

Kurt peeked at Sam's sheet.

_**OH MY GOD YOU DID! GAH! GAH! That'll be so sexy. ; ) **_

**It's gonna be embarrassing, that's for sure. **

_**Tell you what: if you do it, then we'll do that thing that we never do. **_

**The thing where you put…**

_**Yes. **_

**Can we also do the cream thing? **

_**Of course. **_

**Peacock, here I come… **

_**Can't wait. We'll have to rehearse together. **_

**Sounds great, honey. **

_**You can perform Peacock naked for me. With scarves… **_

**Oh really?**

_**Yes, really. **_

**You're being serious? **

_**100%. I love scarves and I love you. And I love Katy. What more could I want? **_

**Things from the Elizabeth Taylor auction? **

_**Well yes, but that's over now. They've been sold… :'( **_

**I have something better than that… **

_**Heidi Klum? **_

**Nah. Something better? **

_**Channing Tatum? Brant Daugherty? **_

**No and No. But I wish. Joking, I have you. **

_**Me? That's what you were going to say? **_

**No. Yes. No. I'm confused. I do have you, but I also have something else. **

_**Just tell me! **_

**My abs. **

_**I'd rather Channing Tatum. **_

**I'm wounded, Kurt. **

_**I'm joking. Maybe a threesome with you and him. That would be…**_

**Perfection. **

_**Finished my sentence greatly. **_

**Oh, look everybody's leaving! **

_**Nope, that's just Rachel leaving, Sammy. I think Mr Schue just told her about the school musical this year that she has to audition to be the female lead. **_

**What musical is it? **

_**You haven't heard? **_

**No. **

_**We're doing Phantom! **_

**Are you serious right now? **

_**Totally. I'm definitely trying for Christine! **_

**I shall be Raoul then. **

_**I thought you always wanted to play to Phantom! **_

**I do. But if you're Christine, I can't have you ending up with someone else, can I? **

_**What if Rachel gets Christine? **_

**She won't. Even though you're a guy, it won't matter. Schue let Mercedes play Frank n Furter last year in Rocky Horror. You can be Christine! **

_**Aww thank you, Sam. Just what I needed to hear. Auditions are on Thursday, remember! **_

**But it's Tuesday! **

_**You can sing The Music of the Night in your sleep. **_

**It'll need work. **

_**We can do it tonight. I'll practice Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again, and you sing MOTN. **_

**You're the best? But what about my Kurtie time? **

_**There'll be plenty of time for that. We're brilliant. **_

**That you are. **

_**We, Sam. **_

**Fine. That we are. You're beautiful, you know? **

_**Thank you, Sam. And you look like you've just stepped out of Mount Olympus. **_

**Can I be Zeus? **

_**You can be anything you want to be… **_

**I love you. **

**I love you too.**

* * *

**A/N: I've already cast everybody for the musical, so it's just a case of who gets who. Yes, opposite genders are perfectly acceptable. So guesses on roles? Anyone? I will get round to doing prompts, just the musical is my main priority now. I will post a more in detail version of the musical in another story sometime. **


	4. Harry Potter Mayhem

Chapter 4

**CHANGE OF PLAN, GUYS! This 'Mostly Story Format' Thing isn't working out for me. I'm better at the text conversations, I think. They're easier to write, therefore I update quicker. Sound good? No? Bear with me. It will probably be worth your time. Hopefully. **

**Bold – Sam**

_**Bold and Italics- Kurt**_

* * *

_**Sam, the cast list is up!**_

**I'm coming right now. **

Their auditions had been great. Sam and Kurt nailed All I Ask Of You and were shoe ins for Christine and Raoul. Rachel, Kurt's main competition, had performed a mediocre version of Think of Me with Finn jumping in for the Raoul parts. Finn was always going on about how he wanted to play the Phantom, but as soon as he heard that Sam was going to be trying for Raoul, he switched. Strange, huh? Rachel was very sharp throughout it, and her higher range wasn't good enough to beat Kurt's smooth soprano.

**McKinley High Production of 'Phantom of the Opera' Cast List**

**The Phantom- Blaine Anderson**

**Christine- Kurt Hummel**

**Raoul- Sam Evans**

**Meg- Rachel Berry**

**Madam Giry- Santana Lopez**

**Carlotta- Tina Cohen-Chang**

**Piangi- Mike Chang**

**Buquet- Finn Hudson**

**Firmin- Artie Abrams**

**Andre- Noah Puckerman **

**Note- If you haven't been given a role, come see me…Mr Schue.**

* * *

**Congratulations, baby! You got it! **

_**So did you! **_

**I know! This'll be…wait. **

_**What? What's wrong? **_

**You have to kiss Blaine. **

_**What, oh my god! Do you want me to go and talk to Mr Schue? I'll convince him to let me be Carlotta and let Tina play Christine! **_

**You can't do that! You love Christine! I'll tell Puck he can be Raoul. **

_**I AM NOT KISSING PUCKERMAN **_

**You know he's attractive, Kurt. **

_**I'd rather have you.**_

**And you have me at your service. All I'm saying is, Blaine is your ex-boyfriend and you'll have to kiss him. **

_**Well, I'll just have to do it then, won't I?**_

**I have an idea. Hang on. **

Sam raced down the corridor towards Will's Spanish classroom and barged in. Will sat at his desk, grading test papers.

"Mr Schue! Got a second?"

"Sure, Sam, what's wrong?"

"It's about the musical."

"Please don't say that you can't play Raoul. You're perfect for it!"  
"It's not that. Kurt and I were wondering if you could axe the kiss with between the Phantom and Christine, because of Blaine and everything."

"Sam, as much as I admire you coming to me about this, I considered the kiss whilst casting. I think it will be a good acting exercise for Kurt. If he's going to go into theatre after college then he'll have to be prepared." Will replied.

"Well…okay then. If you must. Thanks, Mr Schue."

"Anytime, Sam."

**Hey. **

_**So, will I have to kiss it or not? **_

**Well, Schue said that'll he will rearrange the kiss. **

_**YES! **_

**There's a catch. You will be kissing Andre. **

_**Andre, huh? WAIT…PUCKERMAN! **_

**Just kidding. There's bad news though, Kurtie. Schue wouldn't cut it. **

_**WHAT THE…WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT!**_

Kurt stomped into Mr Schue's office. By the sound of his groaning, he presumed it was Rachel, kicking up a storm about not being Christine or something.

"Not now, Rachel." He sighed.

"It's nice to know that the clip clopping of my feet sound feminine."  
"Oh, sorry Kurt. Go on."  
"Well, Sam's been to you already. It's about the kiss."  
"I'll tell you the same thing I told Sam. It'll be me presenting you with such challenges that will help you to thrive as an actor."

"Mr Schue, he's my ex boyfriend! We broke up! It'll be…"

"Good for you. If you don't want to that badly, then I'll give your part to Rachel."

"No! I mean, okay. I'll do it."

"Thanks, Kurt."

"Okay, bye."

**So… **

_**I'm playing Christine. **_

**And…**

_**I'm kissing the Phantom… **_

**Kurt. **

_**Yes? **_

**You're kissing Blaine. **

_**I'll put my own Hummel spin on it so I just peck him. I'll pretend that Christine is afraid of the Phantom or something. **_

**That'll work!**

_**Really?!**_

**Of course not. Blaine will want to kiss you properly. You do remember how you broke up, don't you?**

_**OF COURSE I DO! It was awful. **_

**I'm sorry, baby. I just can't stand to see your lips contacting anyone's but mine. **

_**Even the lips of Ryan Reynolds? **_

**He's the exception. **

_**What about Channing Tatum? **_

**I get the point. I think it's the whole 'Blaine' thing. I just worry that if you kiss him, he might try and take advantage of the situation. **

_**I can handle it. **_

**I know you can, babe. I just worry. **

_**I know, Sammy, I know. Guess what? **_

**Your dad bought more cream and strawberries? **

_**What the…? How in the whole of Oz did you know that? **_

**I'm everywhere, bitches. – A**

_**Okay. Stop already. I know you're not A, Sammy. You're B. B for beautiful. **_

**Oh holy…that was so…*shudders*. You make me cringe, Kurt Hummel. **

_**Haha. :P **_

**Seriously. **

_**If you were a Dementor, I would become a criminal just to get your kiss. **_

**Oh God! Kurt! Fine, if you wanna play that game… Hagrid isn't the only giant on campus, if you know what I mean… :)**

_**I must've taken Felix Felicis, because I'm about to get lucky…**_

**You don't even have to say Lumos to turn me on.**

_**You can have to Portkey to my heart. **_

**Wanna play Quidditch? I have my own broom that you can ride…**

_**I definitely do! Going to bed? Mind if I Slytherin? **_

**No, I don't mind. I can't think of any more, sorry. **

_**Doesn't matter. Do you have football practice today? **_

**No. Coach is sick. **

_**Okay. Finn's at Rachel's and Dad and Carole are going to some convention in Chicago for the weekend. Wanna come over? **_

**Did you really have to ask? **

_**I guess that was silly of me. I should say: So Sam, what do you want to do when my parents are out of town? **_

**I can think of a few things…**

_**You're such a guy. Sex isn't what I was thinking. **_

**Aw. **

_**I am now, though. **_

**YAY! Kurtie time for me..! **

_**Lots of it. **_

**Can't wait! **

_**Maybe we can do the thing…**_

**Wait! THE thing? **

_**Yes, Sam. **_

**With the…**

_**Correct. **_

**And the…**

_**Also correct. **_

**I love you so much. **

_**Huh. The best way to get a guy to love you is to do that. I should've done that ages ago. **_

**Yeah. You should've, Kurt. **

_**Don't push it. **_

**Sorry.**

* * *

**A/N: I'm dreadfully sorry that the whole story format thing didn't really work out. I wrote this all in story format, but then decided it wasn't for me. I just need to stick to the prompts and random ideas from my head. Sorry! Remember, prompts are welcome! Next chapter is a prompt from WarblerChris! :) xxx**


	5. Separated

Chapter 5- Separated.

**Well, I'm sorry for not updating sooner. I've just started my last year in high school. I'm English, so I'm taking GCSE's and applying for college and stuff like that, and with the extra homework loads and revision loads I am going to be so busy. I will try my hardest to update my stories, but I'm not making any promises. **

**So I have begun writing the separate Phantom story, but it's not going well. I decided this story I will work on my prompts so that's what I'll do. The Phantom story will be uploaded when it's ready, so look out for it, Phantom fans! **

**This prompt has been sent in by **_**WarblerChris **_**like I mentioned in my last authors note. **

_**Kurt and Sam sexting whilst watching a movie at Kurt's house. They're texting because Burt is in the room and made them sit on opposite sides of the couch!**_

**Sam- Bold**

_**Kurt- Bold and Italics**_

* * *

**Kurt, I'm slightly scared. **

_**Sam, you know we're only watching Despicable Me, right?**_

**No, Kurt it's not the movie that's scaring me. **

_**Ah, my father. **_

**Got it in two. **

_**Why is he scaring you? **_

**If you didn't notice, he made us sit on opposite ends of the couch whist watching a movie. And he keeps subtly glaring at me when he thinks I'm not watching. **

_**Yeah same here. When he's not looking at you, he's looking at me. **_

**No fair. I wanna look at you! **

_**Yes, Sammy. I want to look at you also. Your beautiful eyes…**_

**Your gorgeous hair. **

_**Your amazing body. **_

**Your big…**

_**Okay, Sam! My dad might read that! **_

**I was going to say your big lips, but okay then? **

_**Sure you were. **_

**I was! **

_**-. - I don't believe you. **_

**Well you should. **

_**Why? **_

**I'm your boyfriend. **

_**Are you? **_

**Honey…**

_**Sugar…**_

**You are my candy girl. **

_**I'm not a girl! **_

**Neither was Elphaba **

_**Aww, you do know stuff about musicals! **_

**Am I your boyfriend now? **

_**Just maybe… **_

**Maybe isn't good enough, honey! **

_**Fine. Okay. Then. Will you be the Fiyero to my Elphaba? **_

**I thought you were Glinda? **

_**Well, in New York singing with Rachel I was, but that's cause we were singing for her. Normally, I'm Elphaba! **_

**I can totally see you as Elphaba. **

_**I knew there was a reason I loved you! **_

**Besides my 'beautiful eyes', hot abs and big….lips?**

_**Yes Sam, besides all those good things. **_

**That was sarcastic, wasn't it? **

_**Extremely so. Glad you noticed honey. **_

**It's hard NOT to notice when you're being sarcastic. It happens a lot. **

_**You just give me reason, Sammy. **_

**I resent that.**

_**As you should. **_

**Well Despicable Me is over. What now? **

_**Well I suppose we'll go upstairs…**_

**I like the sound of that. **

_**As do I. **_

**Why is your dad still glaring at me? **

_**Because he think you're texting another. I'm sneaky and he doesn't know I'm texting you. **_

**No fair! Now he'll come after me… **

_**Which would be bad because…? **_

**Kurt, I might actually die! **

_**You won't. My dad is harmless. See watch…. **_

**You were right, darling. **

_**Really? **_

**No, Kurt I think I wet my pants. **

_**You're fine Sam. **_

**Damn I wanted an excuse for you to take my pants off. **

_**I know that's why I didn't. ;) **_

**Are you trying to make me explode from sheer horniness? **

_**That word does NOT sound right. And…yes? **_

**You're horrible. **

_**No. I'm a bitch. Bitches are worse than horrible people. We feed on the delight of insulting others. **_

**:O **

_**Yes, Sam. You should be afraid! **_

**How did you even know I was thinking that? **

_**I know you too well honey. **_

**Not well enough. **

_**Sam! No pouncing! My dad is right downstairs! **_

**Yes, ma'am. **

_**Ma'am? Would you like to keep your balls? **_

**Very much so, sir. **

_**Good. **_

**I love you. **

_**I love me too! **_

**That's evil. Say it back. **

_**What if I don't mean it? **_

**Then I'll tell your dad that you spent all your allowance on glitter! **

_**You wouldn't… -.-**_

**I would. Now say it. **

_**I love you too…**_

**Thank you.**

* * *

**A/N: Just assume that at the end of each message, this is added: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxx I just can't be bothered writing it at the end. it messes up the formation. Anyway, this chapter was lame. I know it was but it's 00:57 now, and I can't concentrate but I wanted to upload something for you guys. :D**


	6. Snowy Day Blues

Chapter 6

**Since I've had no prompts, I'm just going to use my own initiative. **

_**Prompt:**__**Kurt and Sam are snowed in their separate houses and need to text each other**_

**Bold- Sam **

_Italics- Kurt_

* * *

**Honey, I miss you!**

_Sam, don't be so sappy! It makes me get toothache! _

**But-but I miss you too much! **

_You don't have to stutter through messaging, Sammy. _

**Okay, Kurtie. It's snowing. **

_Yeah…_

**I like the snow. **

_Okay, what's the deal with this idle chitchat? _

**I need to tell you something. **

_Anything. _

**Blaine made a pass at me. **

_WHAT?! He did what?! Imma fucking kill that mother fucking bitch psycho whore rat slag man beast whore shit face demon head! _

**You make the Hulk seem more like the Queen. **

_Oh Sam, you didn't kiss him back did you? _

**Of course not! I'm with you, Kurtie. No other man can take my away. **

_Not even Chris Hemsworth? _

**Nope! **

_Jensen Ackles? _

**Ooh, nope. **

_Keegan Allen? _

**No. **

_Paul Wesley? _

**I'm going to have to leave you. Paul Wesley shows up at my door, I'm out. Joking, honey. Not even the hunky Stefan Salvatore can take me away from your embrace. **

_That's so cute, honey! _

**I do try. **

_But still, I'm going to have to murder Blaine nice and violently. How dare he go after my man! _

**I love you when you're angry. **

_But you don't when I'm not?! :(_

**Of course I do. I love you all the time. Angry Kurt is hot. ;)**

_Just tie me down and make me watch a Taylor Swift documentary. That should get me nice and riled up! _

**You…You don't like Miss Swift? **

_I just think anybody with the last name 'Swift' should be murdered. _

**Bit violent. What about 'Jonathan Swift', author of Gulliver's Travels? **

_He can stay. I do appreciate good literature. Taylor however, does not produce good music. I would rather melt my ears than listen to the rubbish that whore makes from her throat. _

**Wow. You really hate her! You seem to really hate her! **

_Yes. What's your question? _

**Well my question is, why? **

_She's a piece of evil who steals hot guys like Jake Gyllenhaal and Taylor Lautner and dumps them but makes out like it's their fault for the breakup!_

**Let me guess…is she a scum sucking rodent whore who ruined your life. **

_She didn't just ruin my life. She ruined America and music. _

**We still have Madonna and Gaga, Kurtie. **

_That's true. I love you! So, what are you wearing? ;)_

**A huge jumper. Too many layers. :(**

_Same. It's depressing really. I hate being cold._

**Same with me, honey. I have lots of hair on my head to keep my warm. **

_And everywhere else. _

**Now Kurt, it's not the time to be sexual. **

_I just meant on your legs and arms… _

**Yeah, right! **

_I really did. _

**I believe you. **

_Thank you. _

**Now, we should be able to drive tomorrow. Want to meet up? **

_Of course I do. I was thinking my house: Disney Day followed by some Sam Time for me. _

**Sounds perfect. **

_Sam? _

**Yup? **

_Are you alright? _

**Yeah, sorry, my hands are freezing so I hurt to type a lot and it takes a while. **

_Aw honey, I wish I was there to warm them up ;)_

**As do I, Kurt. **

_So you know our Glee assignment: Musical Heroes? _

**I do. **

_For our duet, I was thinking we could do Dirty Diana? _

**I love that song. We should do it. **

_Are you sure you're okay, Sammy? _

**I'm great! I just miss you. **

_Well I'll see you tomorrow. And it's 10:30pm now so not long! _

**That's true. Well, I'd better go and run the hairdryer and warm my hands up. **

_Alright, I'll let you go then. Bye Sammy! Love you! _

**I love you too, Kurt. See you tomorrow!**

* * *

**A/N: Random banter. I don't even care to be honest. I love updating this story. It makes me laugh whilst writing it. Please somebody send me some prompts, it makes me feel unloved if nobody sends them in! :(**


	7. Sam, Sex, and the Saucy Sleepover

Chapter 7

**I completely missed a prompt, guys! It's from snow-leopard-demon24 **

**Prompt: Sleepover. **

**I like this prompt, it's very open ended! **

**Sam  
**_Kurt_

* * *

**Thanks for inviting me over, darling! **

_No problem. I figured if I have the house to myself for a weekend, why not have my adorable boyfriend over and take advantage of him- I mean love him?_

**Nice save, honey, and I love you too. So what's the plan?**

_Well, I have to make us some dinner, so just hang out in here for a while until it's done okay? If you must watch sweaty people in stirrup pants you can turn on ESPN if you want? _

**Sounds fabulous! **

_Alrighty then. _

**Kurtie. **

**Kurtie**

**Kurtie**

**Kurtie**

**Kurtie**

_Samuel, what the living Gaga do you want?!_

**I miss you. **

_Aw Sammy, that's sweet but I'm making us lasagne. _

**Get back to work, General! **

_That's what I thought. _

**Love you…**

_Nice try, Sammy. Just watch some sports, sweetheart. _

**Sweetheart? Okay? **

_Doesn't matter. Move on. _

**Will do, Captain! **

_Good. Now, I need to finish this. _

**When will it be done, I want you back in here. **

_It shouldn't be too much longer now. _

**Goodie! **

_Done! _

**YAY! Let's eat. **

_Sam, the plate is very hot so just be careful. _

**Sure will! **

_You just had to touch the plate didn't you?_

**When somebody tells me not to do something, I have to do it. I'm kind of a riot like that. **

_Well then, absolutely do not take me upstairs after this and have your wicked way with me… _

**Okay. I won't. **

_What?! _

**I mean, sure I want to, but you just told me not to and I don't want to do anything you don't want me to… **

_But you just—!_

**Joking. **

_Never again will you interrupt my sentences, Samuel Jacob Evans. _

**You had to use 'Jacob' didn't' you, Kurtie Elizabeth Hummel. **

_I think it's cute. And Sam, never use Elizabeth again unless you want to become reacquainted with your right hand. _

**:( **

_That's what I thought. _

**Please. I'll be good I promise. **

_Sigh. Fine, I suppose I can permanently replace your right hand. _

**You're much better than he is. **

_Your right hand has a gender? _

**Oh yeah. His name's Channing. My left hand's name is Paul. **

_Wait, you use both. _

**Well when I'm doing it, I kind of have to. **

_I'm amazed. I only use my right. It's a lot stronger. _

**Using both just makes me so relaxed. **

_You're not supposed to be relaxed…? _

**Wait. What are you talking about? **

_What are YOU talking about? _

**Kurt, I'm talking about foot massages. **

_Oh yeah. So am I. _

**NO you're not. You're talking about wanking aren't you? **

_Masturbation, Samuel and yes I am. It's the only thing I think of when you're around. _

**Don't try and deflect from the fact that your horny mind went straight to the gutter. **

_Well I'm a teenage boy, Sam. I have needs. I may just have to use my right hand again if you're too busy massaging your feet. I mean seriously, who does that? _

**I do that! It happens to be a relaxing and enjoyable experience. **

_Anyway, let's finish up eating. I have some surprises for you upstairs. _

**Yes indeed! **

_So we've finished eating. Let's go upstairs, Sam. _

**I'm right behind you, babe. **

_Babe? Oh god, Sam, you sound like Puckerman. _

**And that's a bad thing because? **

_I don't want to keep hearing Noah's voice in my head whenever I'm with you! _

**It'd be kind of awesome if Puck was with us… **

_What? Am I not enough for you, BABE? _

**You're more than enough. I've just thought about threesomes, okay. **

_Now who's mind's going straight to the gutter? Nobody said anything about Noah's presence in sexual situations. _

**Well played, Kurt Hummel. Well played! **

_Why thank you, Sam. Now, let's enter my bedroom. _

**Hold up! There's roses and candles and…oh my god. **

_Yep. I had to sneak it home. It was even in my locker for two days because people were around whenever I wanted to take it out. But I finally got it home. _

**You did this for me? I love you! **

_I love you too, that's why it's here. _

**I can't wait for us to use it! **

_Sam! Get here, right now. Take me like you've never taken me before! _

**You're so hot when you're dominant. **

_Shut up and strip, boy! _

**Yes, ma'am. **

_Ma'am? We've been through this. _

**Yes, sir! **

_Good boy. Samuel, put your phone down and get over here! _

**Phone being put down. **

_There we go. That's my Sammy. _

* * *

**A/N: Another chapter down! I have a couple of prompts to work on now. Don't be shy, send in five if you want to! I will try and get through them all! :D**


	8. From Kurt, With Love

Chapter 8

**This chapter is based off a prompt from snow-leopard-demon24**

**Prompt: Amusement Park…and Kurt wins a huge teddy bear for Sam. **

_Kurt  
_**Sam**

**Just a note: I have a few prompts to work on so I shall be updating more quickly if I have more prompts. **

**Disclaimer (not done this in ages): I don't own Glee, or Jared Padalecki. **

* * *

**Wow, Kurt! You're a man of **_**many **_**hidden talents, I must say. **

_Why thank you, Sam. I just have to make this last shot and destroy the plate and I have the biggest teddy bear in the stall. _

**You can do this! **

_SCORE! And Kurt Hummel is legen-wait for it-_

**DARY! **

_Dude. Not cool. _

**Has anybody ever told you that you get masculine at theme parks? **

_Sadly, yes. Finn informed me last time we all went out to Six Flags. Anyway, this teddy bear is for you, Sammy. I'm naming it Jared Padalecki. So now you can say: "I slept with Kurt Hummel and Jared Padalecki...in the same night." _

**Aw, shucks, I love it. **

_Your southern roots are springing to life once more. _

**Hush you. No, seriously, thank you Kurt. **

_You are very welcome, my love. _

**Someone's sentimental today. **

_Very much so. I don't know why. I think it's the scent of candy floss in the air. It makes me sentimental. _

**I like this Kurt. **

_So, again, you're saying you don't like me all the time? _

**NO, NO, NO! I'm only saying that it's a different side of you and it's exciting to get to know another side to you. **

_You'd better be. I don't take well to criticism of my many sides. As I said to Schuester, I'm not a box. There are more than four sides to me, and I'm glad you're getting to know them all. Most people would just run away once they learned I have more sides than one. _

**Wait, what are you saying? **

_I'm just saying that I'm so glad you've stuck around for me and not just sex, not just my diva. You love me for everything that I am, and I love you for that. I'm glad I found somebody like you, Sam Evans, because I was afraid I never would. Blaine just wanted to lose his virgin, but then he felt obligated to stick around. Then I found you and that's the best thing that's ever happened to me in my life. So thank you. _

**Wow, Kurt, are you fingers hurting? But that's very much alright. It's more of a privilege for me. You don't understand how much you've done for me. It's because of you that I was able to come out. It's because of you that I've found love in somebody that I can fully trust and that reciprocates my feelings. It's because of you that I can spell that correctly. You've helped me so much and I want to make you happiest person in the world. Even if that's without me, it's something I want to do. If you want to leave me as it'll make you happier, do it. I'm not going to force you to stay with me. **

_I want to be with you, Sam, forever. There's nothing you could do to make me leave you. I love you with everything I am. _

**That's good, because you're never leaving. **

_MWAHA! What about letting me go free if it makes me happy? _

**That was a load of crap. I was hoping desperately that you'd never do that. **

_You neither. You're not leaving. _

**Did I say I wanted to? **

_Did I? _

**Touché, Monsieur Hummel. **

_J'aime le francais, Monsieur Evans! _

**I have no idea what that means. **

_You're taking French! _

**I know, but still. Anyway, I very much appreciate Jared Padalecki getting in my bed tonight, honey! **

_It's okay! We can still catch the last queues for another ride if you want? _

**SURE! YAY! **

_Samuel…? Your caps lock? _

**IT IS NOW BROKEN. **

_Dear God, no! _

**Just kidding. **

_I hate you. _

**No you don't. You couldn't hate me. **

_I can and I will. _

**:'(**

_Joking. I will always love youuuu. _

**Singing in your texts. I approve. **

_Well, it's Whitney. _

**Obviously. **

_Let's get to those queues. _

**Your wish is my command. **

_Are you trying to be Alistair from Dragon Age: Origins? _

**:O :O :O :O :O :O**

_That's right. I know some stuff. ;)_

**I LOVE DRAGON AGE! **

_OMG WE SHOULD PLAY TOGETHER_

**OMG YES! **

_Ahem. Back into normal Hevans. _

**What is Hevans? **

_Our couple name. Like Finchel but better. _

**Ahh, simple yet effective. **

_IT COULD BE KUM! _

**LET'S MAKE IT KUM! **

_And this was the day that Kum was born. _

**I SHALL TREASURE THIS DAY ALWAYS! **

_Caps lock broken again? _

**YES. I DO NOT LIKE THIS. **

_Sucks for you. :P_

* * *

**A/N: SO MANY POP CULTURE REFERENCES. Ahh, now that I have prompts, I can work more quickly. See how the system works? ;) Reviews are brilliant! **


	9. What Actually Happens On The Sidelines

Chapter 9

**This time there's a prompt from DarthMorpheus**

**Prompt: Jokes about members of the Glee Club. **

**Sam  
**_Kurt_

* * *

**I cannot believe that because of your ridiculous laughing, we got kicked out of Glee rehearsal! **

_We weren't kicked out! We were just put on 'GLEE-BATION'. That's Schuester and his ways of making even punishment sound happy! _

**Well when I'm…punishing you, you sound rather delighted. **

_Not now, Samuel. _

**No I cannot concentrate. Are you seeing Finn: The Dancing Ostrich?**

_HA, no. I'm distracted by Britt. Is she on the phone with a calculator? _

**Probably. She needs Math answers. Yesterday, she wrote that 43x3 was 434343. **

_Oh, that is priceless. I cannot believe that Finn has chosen to dance next to Mike! He looks like if a beetle was stood adjacent to a dinosaur. _

**Kurt, that's not very nice. Mike is not a dinosaur! **

_This is fun. We should be side-lined more often!_

**We should. But Kurtie, do you not enjoy dancing? **

_Daddy I would love to dance, but I equally love dissing Glee Club members. _

**Oh God. Are Finchel holding hands whilst doing the number? **

_Please shield my eyes. I can't possibly see that. I've seen it times ten, and it aint' pretty! _

**Oh just don't look for a while then. AH THEY JUST KISSED. **

_COME ON! SERIOUSLY?! _

**No. **

_Damn you, Evans. _

**I scared you though, didn't I? **

_Yes. You win. _

**Really? **

_Until I get my almighty revenge…_

**I'm scared. I'm going to ask if I can join back in with the dancing. **

_You do that and I'll cut you like a fish. _

**I aint scared of you Jill! **

_Nice reference picking. _

**I can imagine Puckerman being Ghostface. **

_That's lovely, dear. _

**No, seriously, he has the swagger and the 'take-no-prisoners' outlook on life. **

_Oh My God, did he just look right at you? He's so vain, he knows when people are even texting about him! _

**Either that, or he's checking me out. **

_Honey, don't flatter yourself. I'm kidding, besides, you're mine and mine only. Anybody else can go do something nasty on a nasty little hill somewhere. _

**Which hill are you talking about? **

_Maybe somewhere near…Skelmersdale Lane? _

**Ahh somewhere perhaps near there, shall yonder sun be beaming down at us humans and bestow upon us its beautiful rays and magical light. **

_Wow, I was right all along about you being gay wasn't I? I'm not sure that made sense, but it did to me. It's a gay thing ;) _

**That was the most poetic thing I've ever written, and you're slamming it. Unbelievable. **

_I know something else I'd rather be slamming. _

**No. Please just don't honey. Just stop now. **

_WHY?! :(_

**It doesn't make sense. You're going to do a Robin Scherbatsky and keep talking even though it doesn't make sense and I'm going to have to be Ted and shut you up. **

_Oh…okay honey! I'll shut up about slamming myself onto you. _

**Oh, um, um, um, um—**

_I'm going to have to jack your phone. It's giving my phone a headache. _

**I know what I'd like you to be jacking… **

_SAMUEL. If anybody saw these texts! _

**Then they would know just how dirty you are, Mr Hummel. **

_Sadly, yes. My wild side is brought to the forefront by your hot body and huge appendage. _

**Gah, I just want you so much right now. **

_Not as much as I want to punch Rachel in the face for making me watch this. Look, she's walking into Tina. _

**Backwards. **

_Oh, here comes Santana. _

**This should be fun. **

_Oh, I have to go and save Rachel! _

**You do that, before she dies. **

_It may be too late. Santana has her HBIC face on her. _

**You know, I see that everywhere pertaining to you, Santana and Quinn. What does HBIC actually mean? In layman's terms. **

_Head Bitch in Charge. Goodness Samuel, you're dating one. You should know. *insert finger snap here*. _

**Wow…My boyfriend's a sassy mofo . **

_Sam, never is there a good enough reason to use the word (if it even is a word) 'mofo'. _

**I'm dearly sorry, my Prince. Forgive me? **

_Maybe…if you beg for it. _

**Oh please dear Kurtie, forgive my hot ass for making you cringe. I will make up for it big time. **

_By… _

**Servicing your EVERY needs as many times as you like. **

_That's like a dream to me, Samuel. _

**You're just like a prayer to me, too, Kurtie. **

_You're learning. I keep inserting major references into things so you will possibly get them. Madonna is smiling. _

**Major References, sir! **

_Another job well done, Sammy. You certainly are forgiven and will be rewarded. _

**Lovely. Oh, Glee is over. **

_I sure will miss Mike and Puck holding Santana up in the air to stop her murdering Rachel. _

**The Shire would miss her… **

_Hey! _

**C'mon, that was funny… **

_Yeah it was. HAHA. _

**Was that sarcasm? **

_This is why I love you. You've learned when I'm being sarcastic. _

**I sure have. It happens a lot. **

-.-

**That is scary! I can feel your beautiful eyes giving me that hateful glare my phone's screen! Oh well, off to lunch we go! **

_Sam, we had lunch an hour ago. _

**My stomach works through my brain. **

_And vice versa it seems. _

**Correct. **

_Come on, Plato. Let's go to study hall, what we actually have next period. _

**Oh, goodie. **

_Want to ditch it and go make out somewhere? _

**Really? **

_No. Julliard looks at academic scores, attendance scores and overall behaviour as well as reviewing the audition itself. _

**Damn Julliard. **

_Do not mock my hopeful future alma mater. _

**Sorry. **

_You shall be. But come to my house after school… _

**Sure will, commander. **

_I like it when we use army names. _

**Same with me! It gives me an overwhelming sense of authority. **

_Aw, Sammy. You know you'll never have any authority when you're with me, don't you? _

**I do. :'(**

_Good. I have your balls in a lockbox. If we ever breakup, they may or may not be mailed to you. _

**I'm well and truly whipped aren't I? **

_You got that right! _

**Yup. Whipped. ;)**

* * *

**A/N: I kind of went off on a tangent from the actual prompt, but I'm satisfied with this chapter. Please review with more prompts, I like reading them all. I will do them ALL, unless they're inappropriate or something. Nothing's too bad for this, though. So just review! :D **


	10. Meet The Family

Chapter 10

**As this is Chapter 10, there will be some normally formatted writing. **

**This chapter is a prompt from Dansmoshyfan **

**Prompt: Kurt wants to meet Sam's siblings, but Sam is nervous. **

**I really like this prompt, so thank you! **

**As always:  
**_Kurt  
_**Sam**

* * *

**Wait, what did you just say? **

_I think it's time for me to meet Stacey and Stevie. _

**Erm, no. **

_Samuel Evans, why ever not? _

**Okay, for one, they'll embarrass me! And also, you're my first boyfriend. I'm not sure they quite understand the concept of homosexuality. **

_I understand that, but I still would like to meet them. _

**Alright, I suppose. I'll always surrender to your flammable self, Kurt Hummel. **

_I just love that. When can I meet them? _

**Well Stacey has choir today and Stevie has soccer practice, but tomorrow should be fine if that works for you? **

_That sounds perfect. I'll be there around 4:30? _

**That's great, Kurt. **

_Anyway, it's late, I'd better sleep. I have a History test tomorrow. _

**Sleep well, my angel. Let no nightmares plague your peaceful rest and wake up with a happy heart. **

_Sam, that's pretty adorable. Is that from a book or something?_

**Are you saying I lack the capacity to be adorable? **

_No, I just didn't think it's something you made up. _

**And you're completely right. My mother used to say it to me when I was little and I went through a stage of having frequent nightmares. **

_Aw, what were they about? _

**Just my family being taken away from me and being left all alone without anybody to hug me and kiss me goodnight. **

_Sam, that's the cutest thing ever. I am so looking at baby pictures tomorrow. I just realised, it'll be the very first time I'm meeting your parents as well tomorrow. _

**Oh yeah. Big day for you, Corny Collins. **

_See, you are a musical dork at heart! _

**Yeah. I suppose. And HEY, you are not looking at my baby pictures. I used to have no shame and take pictures in the bath with a wide smile. **

_Now these I definitely have to see. _

**Absolutely not. Then again, my mom probably will show them to you. She has a habit of embarrassing me, you see. **

_I know what that's like. I remember when Finn first came to my house back in sophomore year when I was crushing on him. My dad knew this but still insisted to tell the bathroom story. _

**Oh God the one where you danced to 'Singin' in the Rain' in the bathtub? **

_The same one. With pictures and a small video attachment. _

**Oh now that sounds like an utter nightmare to me! **

_It was. Finn hasn't looked at me the same since. _

**I'm guessing not. I wouldn't. I need to see that video. **

_No freaking way. _

**Aw, but Kurtie. :'(**

_Don't 'but' me, bitch. _

**Yes, sir. :(**

_Good. Now, I need my beauty sleep. See you tomorrow honey. _

Kurt set his phone down on his dresser and sighed contently. He would meet Sam's family tomorrow. He needed to make a fantastic first impression so they would accept Sam's first boyfriend with widely opened arms. He was always great with kids, so he had a better chance of Stacey and Stevie liking him than Sam's parents. A lot of the time, parents are judgemental of their children's partners, as if putting them under intense scrutiny to see whether or not the mate is good enough for 'their baby' to have and hold for as long as they are together. Burt was very accepting of Sam, but Sam is a charmer. Kurt thought of himself as a charmer as well, but one can never be too sure.

**THE NEXT DAY **

_I'm actually quite excited. _

**Kurt, we've been standing on the doorstep to my house with you bobbing up and down on one foot for about ten minutes now. You're definitely nervous. **

_Weren't you nervous the first time you met my father?_

**Yes Kurt, I nearly wet myself, let's move on. YOUR DAD HAS A FREAKING SHOTGUN IN HIS BASEMENT! **

_The basement is my bedroom remember? Tick me off, and that's what you'll get… ;) _

***gulps nervously* I will remember that. **

_Anyway, your siblings have BB guns. They hurt. Your mother has a rack of knives and your father works with drills. It's like walking into a horror movie. _

**Wait; hold up, you're afraid of BB guns? **

_THEY HURT. When a sprog points its BB gun at you, you have no other urge but than to duck. _

**How do you think I got the scar on my ass? **

_Why were you naked in front of your brother and sister? _

**I'd just got out of the shower, and they attacked me from out of nowhere. I got scared and dropped my towel, okay? They got me in the ass. **

_That's freaking hilarious. Could you hold these flowers, I might drop them from laughing too hard. And from thinking about you in just a towel and then without a towel…just wanky. _

**Not fun, Kurt. Don't make fun of me! **

_I'm sorry honey. I'm still at the wanky stage. _

**Sebastian's photoshopped picture of Finn… **

_No longer at the wanky stage! _

**I thought not. Now, let's go in. **

_Sure. _

**And this is where the magic happens. **

_Stop insinuating yourself masturbating and help me with these gifts. _

"Honey, I'm home." Sam said in a ridiculously clichéd voice from every romance movie ever before 2010. Kurt giggled a little but then saw Sam's mother approaching from the hallway and began to panic a little.

"Mrs Evans, these are for you. You have a lovely…front entrance." Kurt laughed nervously, handing Mrs Evans the lovely bouquet of flowers Kurt had handpicked from his back garden. Kurt had a penchant for flowers, as if he could speak to them personally and grow them at his will. Maybe he could.

"Please, dear, call me Mary." Mary Evans replied cheerfully. "Thank you, Kurt, these are wonderful. I'll go put them in some water. And you look nervous. Don't be, we're very accepting and lovely aren't we, Sam?"

"Really? That's strange. Sam has been telling me that you're all fire breathing witches with two heads." Kurt chatted, gaining some fuel, confidence growing.

"Samuel Evans. It is not nice to address your family as witches, though we do breathe fire." She added with a wink at Kurt.

Mr Evans was trampling down the stairs and met Kurt and Sam at the entrance.

"Mr Evans, it's great to finally meet you." Kurt said, extending his hand for a firm shake.

"I'm going to stop you right there, Kurt. If you're going to start with all the 'I see where Sam gets his good looks from', don't bother. I know I'm much better looking than my son. And call me Dwight." Dwight Evans did look a lot like his son, and Kurt was disappointed that his next cliché line was scrapped by Dwight. For an older man, Dwight Evans was a handsome man but, in Kurt's eyes at least, he didn't hold a candle to his son. Sam was beautiful.

"It's nice to meet you though, Kurt. Stacey and Stevie are in the lounge. They've been excited to finally meet you, as have I. Welcome to the family."

"Thank you, Mr—Dwight."

"Mr Dwight. I like that. I might just get Mary to call me that. Thanks, Kurt, you've started a trend." Dwight strolled away towards his wife and Sam guided Kurt to where his siblings sat watching the TV. There they sat, happily minding their own business, until almost simultaneously they turned around and spotted Kurt.

"Guys, this is Kurt Hummel, my boyfriend." Sam announced as Stacey rushed over to him. Stacey eagerly wrapped her arms around his waist, hugging him closely.

"Hi, Kurt! You have a very pretty name." She blushed.

"Thank you, Stacey! You have too! It's lovely to meet you!" Kurt said happily. Stevie was shyly peering from behind the couch.

"Stevie, don't be shy. Kurt's a very bubbly person." Sam said to Stevie as the latter slowly rose and walked over to Kurt.

Kurt was confused. How do you greet an eight year old boy? Is it weird to hug him? It'll be weird to shake his hand…?

His question was answered when Stevie jumped and grabbed him. Kurt stumbled slightly but hugged the small boy back.

"Hey, Stevie. It's nice to meet you!" Kurt exclaimed as the boy let go of him.

"You too!" Stevie said loudly, gaining confidence as he realised that Kurt was the type to openly chat with him.

_This is going well. _

**They love you, Kurt. Everybody does. Including me. **

_Well I should hope so! _

**Dinner is being served! We're having sausage casserole. Is that okay? **

_That sounds fabulous! _

**Stacey and Stevie are usually messy eaters so just ignore them if you can. **

_I'm sure they're not that bad, Samuel. Now, I need to stop texting you, it's rude. _

**Sure, sure. **

Dinner was served at the Evans' table promptly. Stacey and Stevie rushed to the table, eager to inhale their favourite dish.

"You two, behave. We have a guest." Dwight instructed firmly. The two children nodded politely and paused. Why? Kurt thought.

"Kurt, we like to say grace before we eat." Mary explained to Kurt. Kurt quietly gasped. Sam saw Kurt's face drop slightly and bit his lip.

Kurt blinked twice. This was it. Get ready to hate me, he thought.

"Erm, mom, Kurt is an atheist." Sam said slowly. Kurt sighed quietly.

"Oh, that's fine. Kids, just say your grace and Kurt, you can get stuck in if you want?" Dwight suggested helpfully.

"That's alright, I'll wait for you all to finish up. I don't want to be rude." Kurt said, heavy with his polite manners he had been brought up with.

"Okay." Sam rubbed his hands together and they began to pray and say their grace to their Lord. Kurt felt a little guilty for previously proclaiming 'how stupid the idea of a God was when so much disaster occurs in life' when the Evans family took it so seriously and abided by its rules. Well, if God was watching Sam during his alone time with Kurt, he wouldn't be so proud, Kurt thought to himself.

Dinner was quiet. A little polite conversation was exchanged between Kurt and Mary. Stacey and Stevie ate cleanly and afterwards, Kurt offered to do the dishes.

"That's quite alright, Kurt. It's Sam night tonight anyway."

"No honestly, it's the least I can do in exchange for you cooking this lovely meal." Kurt gestured to his empty plate.

Kurt rose to collect the plates and wash them.

"Sam, you can at least go and load the dishwasher after Kurt had washed them. Thank you very much, Kurt dear."

"It's no problem at all." He said honestly and trotted carefully over to the sink, where he stacked the plates as Sam collected the cutlery. Sam engulfed Kurt in his strong, muscled arms and held him tightly.

"They adore you, Kurt. Never before have they respected somebody else's religious opinions. You're a smash."

"Why thank you. I'm glad. I was pretty scared coming in here you know."

"I would never have guessed that, Kurt Hummel."

"Sam, I'm actually quite relaxed now. You can load the dishwasher now." Kurt had said, after he had rinsed the dishes.

Sam loaded the dishwasher and the couple retreated to the living room, where the family was watching _Tangled. _

"Aw, I love this movie."

"Want to sit down and watch it, baby?" Sam whispered.

"I know something I'd much rather like to do…"

"Kurt, we can't. Not with them around."

"So we can't go upstairs and allow you to show me your bedroom? Is it illegal to do that?" Kurt shot back.

"Um, no of course not."

The truth is, Sam had made an extra special effort to clean his room before Kurt arrived, so if things did progress up to Sam's bedroom, it looked respectable and clean and ready for somebody as fabulous as Kurt to walk into at any moment.

"Sam, your bedroom is like a nerd cave." Kurt remarked as he stared at all of the Harry Potter and Star Trek posters adorning the walls.

"Shut up. You know you love it really. Who doesn't love Harry Potter?"

"Me." Kurt lied.

"You're kidding. Obviously you love it."

"I know. I can't even joke about that."

They just simply sat on Sam's comfortable bed, holding each other.

"I've had a really good time this evening." Kurt said. "Your family is lovely, Sam. Thank you for letting me come over." Kurt nuzzled into Sam's neck.

"No problem. I've loved tonight too. These people will be your in-laws someday, honey." Sam said, maybe a little too hastily.

"I know. I wouldn't have it any other way."

And they didn't. Kurt and Sam were meant for each other. That's all both of them wanted.

* * *

**A/N: Finally, we've reached Chapter 10. If I wanted to, this would be a great place to stop and complete this story. But I know I want to write more for this and I have more prompts lined up, so I am continuing. It was just a thought. But I like this chapter. I'm not sure what it is, I just love it. Kurt/Sam is adorable but Klaine is always endgame. I just like exploring different paths that Kurt could have taken in his life. Remember to review. OH AND HAPPY DAYS! THE PLAN HAS REACHED 10,500 views! I AM SO HAPPY ABOUT THAT! AM I THE ONLY ONE? PROBABLY! :D :D :D**


	11. The Unneeded Sex Education Lesson

Chapter 11

**This is another prompt from snow-leopard-demon24! You rock, Snow Leopard! I love you! You review like nearly every chapter and you've prompted a lot so thank you!**

**Prompt: Mr Schue is responsible for sex-ed and both Kurt and Sam are there. **

**Sam  
**_Kurt_

* * *

**Can you actually believe this is happening? **

_Have my ears dropped off or did Mr Schuester just say that this Glee Club is replaced with a sexual education and health lesson? _

**I'm terrified, Kurtie. **

_So am I, dear. I can't even see straight anymore. _

**Could you ever see STRAIGHT? **

_Rude. ;) _

**I'm sorry, baby. **

_Right, he's started now. Yes I hear 'vagina' and 'clitoris' but no 'anus' or 'lubrication'. _

**That's because Will Schuester is a horny straight guy. He loves to talk about clitorises and vaginas. **

_Yeah, but the question is: "Is he getting any?" ;) _

**Ooh, burn! **

_Isn't it weird that most of his students are getting more sexual contact than he himself is? _

**Not really, we're all very sexually experienced. **

_That's true. Oh no, Mr Schuester, please don't draw a vagina-gram. _

**A vagina diagram? **

_Exactly. _

**Kurt…**

_Yes, my love? _

**Why has Finn gone bright red? **

_Oh, erm. Mailman. _

**Ah. I see. Ew. **

_He told you about that? _

**Yeah, we were in the ice baths adjacent to each other. You know around the time of the 'Coach Beiste Cool Down-Gate'? **

_I remember. You don't use that 'technique' now do you? _

**No, no, no. It was only when Quinn wasn't putting out. There's a secret I must tell you. I was thinking of you whilst making out with Quinn. **

_I don't know whether to be disturbed or flattered about this new information. _

**A little of both, I think. **

_Righty-o. Wait, did Mr Schuester just say 'gay sex'. _

**I think so, that's why everybody's staring at us and Blaine looks evil. **

_This'll be half fun and half disturbing. _

**Ha, Mr Schuester has gone bright red. **

_Well, he's a straight man talking about two men engaging in sexual intercourse. He's bound to be as uncomfortable as you and I are when made to look at or talk about vaginas. _

**When do we look at vaginas? **

_Look at the whiteboard, Samuel. _

**Gah! MY EYES! **

_Mr Schuester, you don't do it like that! _

**Not. At. All. **

_I tell you, Sam, if we did it like that, then I would have to use my RIGHT HAND man to see me through. _

**I wouldn't blame you, but I'd also join you. **

_That'd be awful. Let's stick to our way. _

**Wow, Mr Schue is so out of his depth here! **

_Well, no wonder. He's not gay. _

**I wouldn't be so sure. I saw him a couple of weeks back. Doing wrong things. **

_Wrong things, Sam? Enlighten me? _

**Well he was…havingsexwithastudent **

_Spaces, Sam, spaces. _

**THERE WAS NO TIME. **

_WHICH STUDENT? _

**Well…me. **

_Haha, wait what? Samuel, ARE YOU CHEATING ON ME? _

**No. Never. Ahem, what'd make you think that? **

-.-

**It was Finn, okay! **

_Finn, but he's…oh yeah, Rachel told me she's not putting out for a while because she needs to focus on high school rather than sexual contact. _

**That's our Rachel! **

_Yup. Oh no, Mr Schue is going to get a PROP. _

**Quick, a bet: Cucumber or dildo? **

_1000000% cucumber. _

**Nope, I bet that he has gotten hold of a dildo to embarrass us both. **

_Well let's wait and see. _

**Look, dildo. Cough it up, Hummel. **

_Cough what up? Looking back on our texts, we did not agree formally or informally on a reward for the victor of this bet. But I have an idea. I get to top tonight. _

**Oh, I was hoping you'd fuck me sometime soon. Deal, deal, and a thousand times deal. **

_You're so vulgar…I love it. _

**You know it, babe. **

_Babe? Ruined the moment. Destroyed it, even. _

**Well, damn. I can't live anymore with Mr Schuester holding a dildo and a…OH MY GOD IT'S A CONDOM PACKET. I hope to god it's empty. **

_Well it's not. Unfortunately. Oh. No. I cannot believe he's putting a condom on a fucking dildo!_

**Wow, you're clearly disturbed by this. **

_Yes, Sam, aren't you? _

**Of course I am! It's insane! **

_Oh he wants volunteers. _

"Sam, how about you show us how to properly apply protection onto a penis since you're preoccupied with either your phone or your crotch?" Will suggested with a blank expression.

_AHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA _

_AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA_

"Or perhaps you'd like to Kurt, considering you're the one texting him?"

**AHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA**

**AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH**

"I'm sorry, Mr Schue, I don't need any practise, I've already done this particular demonstration many times before. As has Sam, so we already know what we're doing." Kurt commented with a straight face. Sam, however was blushing wildly.

"Okay, then?" Mr Schue mumbled, colour slowly rising to his cheeks.

**And that is how you expertly take down a sexual health teacher and live to tell the tale and leave with your clothes fully on. **

_I did take him down, didn't I? _

**Very much so. **

_IS HE DONE YET? _

**Almost. He's just getting to orgasms. **

_AH! I've had plenty of orgasms with you! EVERYBODY IN THIS ROOM KNOWS WHAT THEY ARE ABOUT HE DOES NOT NEED TO TEACH US! I WOULD RATHER LISTEN TO RACHEL SING ANOTHER FUNNY GIRL NUMBER WHILST SANTANA THROWS BREAD AT HER WHICH EATS HER ALIVE. _

**I think you're going a little mad. **

_MAD? I AM NOT MAD? I am pissed. I don't need sex ed. _

**Nope, you don't. **

_Glad you think so. _

**PHEW. He is finally finished with his insane lecture about things we already know about. **

_That does it. I'm not participating in any sexual health activities ever again. If I get asked to be in a lecture, I'm immediately refusing. You are my very own type of sexual education, Samuel Evans. _

**It's not really education. There's no homework. **

_Apart from that one time! _

**Oh yeah. Anyway, there's no grading. **

_Yeah…no wait. Grading has been done before. _

**You were very harsh! **

_You didn't deserve an A for your performance! _

**I put passion, heart, soul and a lot of tongue into my efforts, I'll have you know! **

_I know, I was there. _

**So you should've given me an A! **

_I repeat: I was there. I graded your work as a B+, Sam. There wasn't enough oomph in it. _

**You're so mean to me but I love you anyway. **

_I'm wounded, but thank you. _

**Welcome :)**

* * *

**A/N: So another prompt done. I now have no waiting prompts, so get some in please! I will do it ASAP. If none get sent in, I'll just come up with some myself. :) REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW. **


	12. Regular, Diet or Auto-Fellatio?

Chapter 12

**This is another prompt from Dansmoshyfan**

**Prompt: While Kurt was in the washroom, Sam found something interesting under Kurt's bed. ;)**

**I included the wink face there :D**

**Just a note: when the conversation is over, and the normal writing is in place, the bold/italic thing does NOT count. Kay. **

**By the way, the 'fact' about the Coke is completely made up. I think. I haven't researched it or anything, I simply don't have the time. **

**As always:  
Sam  
**_Kurt_

* * *

_I cannot believe you just spilled Coke on my shirt! _

**I am so sorry darling. So sorry. I will definitely buy you a new shirt. **

_Oh, I am not bothered about that, this is going out of fashion anyway, but it is the fact that you are drinking REGULAR FAT Coke. _

**Wait, what? What do you have against 'REGULAR FAT Coke'? **

_It is an evil, blood sucking machine. It is a sin against beverages. It is a monstrosity born to grotesquely reproduce and create a false sense of happiness for the consumer…must I go on? _

**I think I got you now, Kurt. So what do you drink? **

_DIET Coke, silly. It tastes better, and is in fact proven to make people happier, something about the chemical intensity in the drink makes the endorphins flit around like butterflies, so you are extremely jumpy and alert. _

**But it tastes so watery. **

_HOW VERY DARE YOU? I AM GOING TO TAKE MY RAGE ABOUT YOUR LOVE FOR 'REGULAR FAT Coke' INTO THE WASHROOM, FOR I SIMPLY DO NOT POSSESS OR EVEN HAVE THE POTENTIAL TO POSSESS THE TOLERANCE TO DEAL WITH YOUR GAMES. _

**What just happened? **

As Kurt trotted off angrily into the washroom downstairs, Sam thought he would take this moment of Kurt's absence as the ideal time to do the unofficially named and branded 'Boyfriend Snoop'. It is where boyfriends all over the world snoop around their partner's bedroom in order to find something incriminating to use as a mocking device against them so that shall forever and all eternity be humiliated by their boyfriend whenever said item is mentioned. Sam did not really think that he would find anything interesting in Kurt's room (the boy ALWAYS seemed to be very sophisticated and eloquent) so Sam's hopes for an action figure doll or even a sex toy seemed to be a little dashed at this moment in time. Sam crept around the pristine room for any secret hiding places. With a suspenseful pause, Sam whipped open his wardrobe doors. No secret boxes labelled: GET THE FUCK OUT or anything like that.

Sam figured that Kurt was a very traditional person in his eyes. _So where would a traditional person hide their secret shit? _

Of course. It hit Sam like lightning. Under the bed.

He dropped to the floor like a lynx and prowled towards the bed, eyeing the door nervously in case Kurt walked in. He could always make the excuse of trying out a new kind of foreplay just without Kurt himself. He dropped his head to the ground and peeped under the bed. Peering expertly, Sam found a box. It wasn't labelled GET THE FUCK OUT, in fact it was not labelled at all. Sam figured that Kurt was using reverse psychology to make people leave it alone. If it's labelled, you want to see what's inside and it's usually interesting, but if it's not, then you basically just walk away thinking it's just crap or something without great importance.

Sam chuckled as he cracked open the box. The item that he saw made his eyes bulge with amusement and surprise. Kurt picked that moment to walk in.

_WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT? _

**I can explain. **

_No you can't. But now you've found it, I can explain why I have it. _

**Go on, explain to me why you have a butt plug!**

_Sam, before you, I was lonely. Sexually deprived. I had to have something as a replacement for a boyfriend. _

**Oh Kurt, you should've just gotten a boyfriend pillow or something. **

_Please, I'm not sad. _

**This is hilarious. **

_Really? _

**Yes, you are never escaping from the endless torment I'm going to subject you to because of this. **

_It's not THAT funny. _

**Let's tell Santana and see how funny SHE thinks it is. **

_No, Sam, no. _

**Fine. Only because I love you and Santana will probably blog about it. **

_I can actually see the post now. __**Princess Gay has a Plug! **_

**Haha, you should blog baby that was cute. **

_What can I say, I'm…multitalented. _

**That you are. And very flexible. **

_VERY flexible. Auto-fellatio flexible. _

**WHAT? ARE YOU MESSING WITH MY HEAD? **

_Maybe. No, seriously I can do it. _

**:O I NEED TO BE SHOWN. **

_Not unless you promise me that you will never use my butt plug as a source of mockery or blackmail. _

**I PROMISE. I PROMISE A THOUSAND TIMES I PROMISE. **

_Okay. Later on, just stay here and I'll show you my hidden talent. _

**I cannot believe I knew nothing about either of these things. **

_I'm a very secretive person, Samuel. _

**Yeah, I've noticed. **

_Well, in order to become, you have to shock people with revelations. In order to do this, nobody can know about some things in your life. It is just very good practice for later on in the future. _

**Now that I can understand. Okay, fair enough.**

_Now, anyway, back to your stupid REGULAR FAT Coke obsession. _

**It is NOT an obsession. I can control my levels of REGULAR FAT Coke just fine, thank you very much. **

_Uh huh, sure. Is that why you have drips of it on your eyebrow? _

**WHAT? Oh God. Mm, drops of REGULAR FAT Coke. **

_You disgust me, Sir. _

**Kurt, do you want some REGULAR FAT Coke? **

_Do not even come near me with a bottle/can of that crap! _

**You know you want it. **

_I DO NOT. I insist you fuck off at once. _

**NO. **

-.-

**OKAY. OKAY JUST DO NOT DO THAT. **

_Good. Glad we understand each other. _

And they did understand each other. Kurt continued to drink Diet Coke and even got Sam hooked on it. That was just the way that their relationship worked.

* * *

**A/N: Another chapter done. Review!**


	13. The Substitute Teacher Of Doom

Chapter 13

**This is being uploaded at the same time as Chapter 12 just because, okay? Good. **

**This is a prompt from snow-leopard-demon24**

**Prompt: ****There's a substitute teacher whom Sam has a crush on. The entire conversation is based off of Kurt playfully mocking him.**

**I really like this prompt. Seriously, I really love it. **

**As always: **

**Sam**

_Kurt _

**ENJOY THIS, I did. **

* * *

**I can't believe we have a substitute teacher for Calculus today! Mr Hayworth has gone crazy!**

_You called it. And let's see what schmuck we have to work with today. _

**Oh holy mother of Middle Earth. **

_Sam? You okay? _

**Have you seen the beautiful mother fucker that just walked through that door?**

_Yes, what's your point?_

**HE IS GLORIOUSLY GORGEOUS AND BEAUTIFUL AND—**

_You're saying this to your boyfriend, why? _

**Oh yeah. But I will always love you and find you attractive, Kurtie. But he's something new. He reminds me of Zachary Quinto! **

_Sam, he looks nothing like him. _

**In his own little way he does. **

_His name is Mr Doner? Oh, this will just be so much fun. _

**What? You're staring at the board when there's a hot piece of human right there in front of us? How could you do that? **

_I don't see whatever you are seeing, Samuel. _

**WHAT? That's impossible. **

_It's like how you don't see what I see in Cody Christian. _

**He is not hot, Kurt. **

_Oh, he's beautiful. But Mr Doner is not. _

**HE IS. **

_Okay, you have him then. Watch this. _

Kurt slyly picked up his pencil and flicked it onto the floor in a strategic position. He raised his hand highly.

"Mr Doner? Could you be a darling and get my pencil for me? I hurt my back during Glee rehearsals and I find it difficult to…bend over." Kurt said, a hint of sultriness pouring into his voice.

"Sure…Mr…" He said. He had a British accent, which meant Sam was hanging onto his every word. Like he wasn't anyway.

"Kurt Hummel." Kurt smiled falsely.

"Sure, Mr Hummel. Let me just get that for you."

And so Mr Doner bent down to retrieve Kurt's pencil, he unknowingly gave Sam a full view of his round ass. Sam was in absolutely heaven. He was about to lick his lips when Mr Doner got up again and turned around, delivering Kurt's pencil.

"There you go, Kurt."

"Thanks." Kurt said shortly and telepathically dismissed the man.

_Sam he's disgusting. _

**Kurt, can I have that pencil? **

_Wait, seriously? _

**I'll trade you. This shiny pink one. **

_Why do you have a pink pencil? And you really want this, don't you? _

**Very much so. **

_Okay. You go get Mr Boner's handprints on your body. _

**Mr Doner, Kurt. **

_Whatever. Look at him flirting with Rachel…_

**WHAT? Imma kill her. **

_Sam. Calm down. He's probably straight. Stop creeping on him._

**I can't help it, Kurt. **

Sam balled up a piece of paper and shot it directly at Rachel's head. The small girl let out a loud squeal of surprise, causing Mr Doner to cover his ears and walk away briskly from her noise level. Rachel turned around quickly and spotted Tina right behind her.

"TINA!" She shouted. Kurt and Sam both quickly drowned out her words. They had gotten pretty good as said drowning out in glee Club for it to become a mission anymore. Now it was just a formality.

_Sam, that's mean! Now she's going to eat Tina. _

**I'll apologise to Tina later, Kurt. **

_As you should. Nobody deserves the Hobbit Dragon shouting at them. _

**Don't call her that, Kurt. **

…

**Dragons are awesome! That's an insult to them. **

_There it is! _

**I can't stop staring at him, Kurtie. **

_What do you say we bring Mr Moaner over here and have some fun? _

**Sounds like fun, but Kurt? **

_Yes, HONEY? _

**It's Mr Doner. **

_Okay sweetie. Of course it is. Oh, Mr Boner! _

Sam raised his hand this time.

"Sir, could you help us with this…problem?" Sam said, pausing in an unfortunate moment that prompted Kurt to start giggling like a girl.

"Sure, Kurt and Mr…."

"Evans. Sam Evans. Sam I am. And I don't like green eggs and ham." Sam said nervously. Kurt bit his lips to prevent a spout of laughter.

"Alrighty." Mr Doner sat on the desk.

"What seems to be the problem?"

"We just can't figure out the solution."

"So what you have to do is…" Mr Doner explained the method and solution to Sam and Kurt whilst Kurt was only half paying attention, Sam was listening to every word. He was actually learning in this lesson for once. Too bad Mr Hayworth doesn't quit, Sam thought.

"Do you understand, Sam?" Mr Doner asked.

"I do, sir. Thank you. Very much. It was a much needed piece of advice you gave to me there."

"No problem. I'm just…doing my job, boys." Mr Doner strutted away, Sam staring at his ass again.

_He is a creep! 'I'm just…doing my job'. Ugh, he's coming onto you. _

**No he's not. **

_Okay. Right. _

**Sarcasm? **

_Well done, baby. _

**Thanks. But he's not coming onto me, he's a grown man and my teacher!**

_Sure, sure. But Mr Boner is still disgusting, I don't care what you say. _

**And I don't care if you think he's disgusting, I find him to be heavenly and gorgeous and everything that's right with this school. **

_Ahem. _

**I know you're there, but you already KNOW that I think you're beautiful. **

_Aww. Sammy. _

**I'm still going to marry Mr Bon—I mean, Mr Doner. **

_Haha, you called him Mr Boner. _

**I DID NOT. **

_I think I should start to call YOU Mr Boner considering what's going on a little south of your abs. _

**Kurt, I was thinking about something, okay? **

_What, may I ask? _

**You and Mr Doner doing it on his desk and me watching. **

_EW EW EW EW EW EW! That is grotesque. How could you even think of that? _

**My favourite hot people in the world screwing each other, how could I not think of that?**

_You're still just a horny teenager inside aren't you? _

**That's me. **

_And I love you. _

**I love you too. Just not as much as Mr Doner.**

_Don't push it. _

**Sorry.**

As it turned out, Mr Doner/Boner/Moaner never substituted for any of Sam's classes again. He did take over Kurt's French lessons for a week though. Sam was insanely jealous when Kurt informed his of this ("No fair. You get him and I don't."). Sam continued to hate the school system until they graduated.

* * *

**A/N: I really enjoyed writing this one! This is the end of my double upload. Get some prompts in so I can write some more! Review!**


	14. The Lima Lingerie Lounge (Fever)

Chapter 14

**Another awesome prompt from snow-leopard-demon24**

**Prompt: It's someone's birthday. So the entire Glee Club goes to a strip club. **

**Sam  
**_Kurt_

* * *

_Did you just say that you forgot that it was Puck's birthday? You're meant to be 'bros'! _

**I didn't forget. It just…slipped my mind. **

_That's funny. I anticipated this as I know your memory is as bad as Finn's so I bought something to give to Noah from you as well. _

**Aw honey you shouldn't have. **

_But I did. You owe me $15. _

**WHAT? **

_The sex toy was expensive, okay? _

**I don't even want to know. **

_Noah will probably give you a recap of how he used it later on anyway, so you'll find out then. _

**Oh, great. **

_But anyway, Noah has invited us all to a strip club. It's a dual-sex club, so we can sequester ourselves in the guy corner whilst I comment on how your abs are forever better than any stripper that ever lived. Apart from my dear Channing, of course. _

**You did not just say that. **

_But I did. _

**You're evil, Mr Hummel. **

_I'm just having my fun before it is all over. _

**What's all over? **

_The time before we have to go to the strip club. I just know that Noah's going to use his birthday funds to pay for a 'private show' if you get what I mean. And then the stripper will be, and I quote, 'unable to resist his boyish charm and rock hard abs combined with his nine inch monster' and they'll end up fucking in the backroom. _

**Is it odd that I'm strangely turned on by Puck right now? **

_SAMUEL. I am your boyfriend, dear. _

**I know. Sigh. I miss Mr Doner. **

_You mean Mr Boner? _

**Sure. **

_Well, if you keep talking like that, you won't be seeing my 'Mr Boner' anytime soon so watch what you say dear. _

**I regret everything. **

_Of course you do, sweetie. _

Kurt and Sam got ready in their respective bedrooms, attiring themselves smartly, but so they were in flexible clothes (well, Kurt at least) , just in case the heat and naked men made them (in Sam's exact wording) 'so horny that they just had to screw each other right there in front of all the strippers'. When they were both ready, Santana honked in front of Kurt's house and Puck in front of Sam's and they made their way respectively to the strip club, The Lima Lingerie Lounge.

The Glee Club assembled in front of the club, some with nervous smiles, and some (Santana, Puck and Finn) looking very excited. Puck approached Kurt and Sam and clapped Kurt on the shoulder.

"Thanks, Kurt. For the present." Puck grinned and winked.

"That was from Sam, Noah." Kurt said, laughing lightly.

"Kurt, I know that was from you. I know that Sam forgot. Don't worry, buddy," he said, looking at Sam with a chuckle, "I know how shit your memory is, so I guessed you'd forget. It doesn't matter though. You're here now which is what matters." Puck left and pushed open the doors.

**Fuck. It's boiling in here. **

_You got that right. Sam. Take off your shirt, bitch. _

**What, why? I'm not one of the strippers. **

_Now I know, but you used to be and I know you enjoyed doing it. Don't pretend you don't because I see the look in your eye when stripping is mentioning. And there's a 'free stripping' stage for anybody to try their hand. You should do it. _

**I do miss it. Knowing that body made people happy was fulfilling. **

_It certainly makes me feel happy, baby. _

**Oh I know it does. We've been there. **

_Anyway, let's go in. But a warning to you: If I see you with any other mediocre hooker, I will bring the pain to you both. Stick to my side like glue or else. –A_

**I will anyway, sir. I'd rather stick to your behind though…**

_That's nice dear. How about I steal Puck's…birthday present so we can have a little fun. How about that? _

**Let's not ruin his birthday, Kurt. **

_You're right  
_

**As usual. **_  
_

_Apart from your stupid full fat Coke thing._

The night passed with very scandalous events occurring. A shirtless Sam got hit on by a drunken Rachel, to the pure amusement of Kurt. She threw her intoxicated body at his boyfriend but he could only giggle. Then a drunken Tina hit on Kurt and his 'very, very, very, very, very wonderful ass' in Tina's exact words. Puck got his 'private show' with three very busty strippers and didn't come out for at least thirty-five minutes. Kurt could only wonder how much he would've had to pay to get the full treatment. He didn't ponder that too much, as he had his own extremely gorgeous and oh so willing stripper to himself. Sam did take to the stage again, and earned himself $70 from it. Sam vowed to try and undergo stripping again, planning to return to The Lima Lingerie Lounge more often to make some extra cash to splash on Kurt and his Marc Jacobs exclusive wardrobe plans. The large group left the club with very flushed faces and some rather large smiles (Puck, Kurt, Sam and Rachel, who was under the impression that Sam was her boyfriend). Kurt didn't drink, as he was assigned to drive Sam, Santana and Mike home afterwards. An opinionated Santana told Kurt off about his slow driving whilst Mike (also drunk) investigated a freckle he found on one of his abs, leading to the ab contest between Sam and Mike, and also Santana. Kurt declared Sam and Santana the winners. _"_Your freckle loses it for you, Mike." Kurt had said before he stopped the car to let Santana out. Mike had chuckled before returning to his own house fifteen minutes afterwards. He slurred his goodbyes to Kurt and a sober Sam before running and falling outside his house. He was uninjured, so entered his house laughing to himself.

_Bless him. _

**Kurt, you're really texting whilst driving? **

_I have a voice activated texting app. _

**I know. I hear you say the words and then get to read the words seconds later. **

Sam turned up the radio to Adam Lambert's _Fever. _This was the song playing when Kurt and Sam first had sex, so they were both happy to hear it.

_**I wanna get you alone, **_

_**With this fever, fever**_

_Oh honey, our song is on! _

**I know. It's making me all hot. **

_Isn't your place unoccupied? _

**It sure is. **

_Let's go. _

Making a swift U-Turn, Kurt sped to Sam's house, not wasting any time in indulging himself in the unlimited bounds of Sam.

* * *

**A/N: I'm so sorry this took ages to be posted. It's my senior Prom today, so last minute preparations were taking place. That's no excuse though. More to come soon. I have the whole summer. **


	15. How Could I Live WIthout You

Chapter 15

**This time it's a prompt from Dansmoshyfan **

**Prompt: Kurt's text hasn't worked for a few days, and he finally got SMS service back! **

**Sam  
**_Kurt  
_Flashback

* * *

Kurt sighed happily as his phone returned to normal. He had dropped it in the kitchen sink a couple of days back…

Kurt was washing the dishes in time for Finn to dry them when he came home. He was none the wiser to Finn's arrival. His earphones were in, and Madonna's _Like A Prayer _album was playing on repeat. He pulled out his iPhone to change the song, when all of a sudden a pair of large, strong hands grasped his shoulders. Kurt shrieked, startled, and lost control of his phone. It tumbled into the sink with a splash. Kurt threw his earphones next to him and rooted around in the bubbly water for his phone. He found it and dried the soapy suds from it. The screen was completely black, and would not turn on.

"FINN! YOU HAVE BROKEN MY PHONE!" Kurt squealed when he saw the lanky teenager looking guilty behind him.

"I was just scaring you Kurt. It's called a prank." Finn protested weakly.

"Yes, and this is called a broken phone!" Kurt argued ferociously. Finn was terrified of angry Kurt. He didn't appear too much, but when he did, nobody was safe.

"Calm down, Kurt. I'll take it in to be fixed, okay?"

"Sure." Kurt said, calming down. He handed the wet phone to Finn, who pocketed it and huffed, having the leave the house again.

"Sam's going to worry." Kurt said to himself when Finn left.

And worry he did.

Kurt looked at his repaired phone and was startled by the number of texts from Sam.

80

**Hey baby! **

**Hey! **

**Hey! **

**?**

**?**

**?**

**?**

**?**

**Kurt? **

**Are you there? **

**Where are you? **

**I just called Finn, and he's not answering either. **

**Is something wrong? **

**Do you not love me anymore? **

**Are you ignoring me? **

**? **

**I miss you. **

**Your laugh. **

**Your smile. **

**Your eyes. **

**Your penis. **

**:D **

**Seriously, where the fuck are you? **

**Are you with Blaine? **

**Are you cheating on me? **

**Are we breaking up? **

**Is this it? **

**Kurt? **

**Kurt? **

**Kurt? ****  
**

**I'm worried. **

**I'm scared.**

**Hang on… **

**VOGUE. **

**MARK JACOBS. (**Kurt sighed when he saw the incorrect spelling. Bless him, he tried).

**YVES SAINT LAURENT (**But that he can spell correctly? This is warped).

**KURT GEIGER. **

**KURT HUMMEL ORIGINAL **

**If you feel like speaking to me, I'll be here. **

**Have I done anything wrong? ****  
**

**Please talk to me. **

**I ran into Burt. He says that you're fine. I needed to hear that. **

**I thought you were dead, Kurt. **

**Kurt. This shows me how much I really love you. I can't go a day without speaking to you. **

**I miss you, baby. :'(**

**I Facebook messaged you. No reply. **

**Again. **

**Have you moved on? **

**I'm starting to think it is Blaine. **

**Giraffes are purple sea creatures. ****  
**

**^Sorry. That was Brittany. Who knows, maybe you'll speak to her? **

**Nothing. Absolutely nothing. **

**I guess we've broken up…**

**No! I refuse to believe that. I still hope. **

**I ache for you, Kurt. My hands just don't cut it anymore. **

**Please Kurt, I can't do this. I love you. **

**Here we go. Kurt,this is driving me crazy. I cannot get in touch with you at all no mattwe what method I try. It's crazy! I love you and I need you text you and have marvellous phone sex with you right away, mister. I simply can't live sanely like this. I need you Kurt. I need you to survive and prosper and do whatever shit Mr Schuester is always chirping on about. Winning and thriving or something sappy like that. **

**Kurt? **

**For the love of God, please answer me. **

**Answer me. ****  
**

**ANSWER MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! **

**KURTIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! **

**I miss you dearly. I hope you miss me half as much as I miss you. **

**I'm thinking of you right now. **

**Every little bit of you. **

**That moan you do when I hit your prostate. **

**That cute freckle above your eyebrow. **

**Also how you giggle every time a phone rings for no reason. **

**Ah Message 69. Haha. That's wanky dedication. **

**70 Messages and still no reply. I'm starting to think you've given up on us, Kurt. **

**Make that 71. I won't give up. **

**Even the stars they burn. **

**I would come and see you. I'm grounded for what we did to Stevie's toy car. It's not my fault your boot crushed it, but in my mother's eye, you can do no wrong. **

**74. **

**75. This is tiring now.**

**I Can't **

**Do This **

**Answer**

**Or **

**It's Over. **

Kurt laughed, teared up and gasped as he rifled through Sam's texts. He saw the last and quickly composed a new message.

_Sam. I'm okay. I haven't been with Blaine, nothing is wrong with you and I still love you. Probably more than I should. Finn broke my phone and I haven't been able to text whilst it's been fixed. I hope we're still together because being without you has killed me. Every single day. _

**KURT! YOU ARE ALIVE AND UNADULTEROUS! YAY! THANK YOU! I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU! SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH! **

_Hey there, stranger. _

**Seriously, tell Finn he's a jackass and I hate him. **

_I already told him that when he broke my phone. _

**Good. Anyway, I've missed you. **

_I've missed you too. My heart has been beating slower, it seems without you. _

**My world collapsed. I win. **

_Yes, you do. So anyway, how about this phone sex? _

**Wow, you waste no time do you, Hummel? **

_What's with the surname stuff? _

**I thought I'd shake things up a little. On your knees, bitch. **

_Aww Sammy. You're trying to be domineering. There's only room for one dominant in this Punnet Square. And that's me. I AM THE DOMINANT ALELLE. MWAHAHA. _

**Kurt that's just mean. I was trying to be suave and sexy, but you crapped all over my thunder and ran off with it. **

_I'll get you your thunder back, Sammy. I want to make a little lightning of my own with you though. _

**Really, now. That is it, I'm sneaking out. **

_Okay…as long as I'm not held in any way responsible for your disobedience. _

**Speaking of obedience…**

_No Sam. I am NOT wearing a dog collar in bed. _

**I wasn't suggesting that but never mind, that's disgusting. I would never degrade you like that. **

_You better had not. Or else I MIGHT run off and be with Blaine. _

**YOU WOULD NOT DARE. **

_He has ties he can tie me up with… _

**I have my cock. **

_You win. I'm staying. _

**I knew it.**

* * *

**A/N: I know that this wasn't perhaps the best chapter, but I needed to put it out there. The lack of updates lately is not acceptable by me so I hope you'll forgive me and enjoy this chapter. I have my Prom tomorrow as previously stated, so there'll be no updates tomorrow. Sorry again, xxx**


	16. The Queen of Wanky Is

Chapter 16- The Queen of Wanky Is...

**This is a prompt from Warbler-Weisman. Oh, and to Warbler-Weisman: I'm glad I could help you in any way :D **

**Prompt: Kurt and Sam are practising something. Sam with the Queen of Wanky, Lopez and Kurt getting extra help from… **

**I like this prompt. It's very open. **

**As always, Sam and **_Kurt _(and as an added bonus) Santana  AND **Finn**

* * *

**God, Kurt, when you said that you wanted to practise your Halo skills, I had no idea you were this rubbish at it. **

_Hey, I am not rubbish. I just want to get better so I can beat Finn without breaking a sweat. _

He's right, Porcelain. You're not very good. Even I'm beating you, and this is my first time playing this game.

**You had to invite her, didn't you, Kurt? **

_Sam…of course I did. She's Queen of Wanky, she can't not be excluded from our Halo party. _

Exactly. But Sam, I'm going to help you with out-wankying (YES IT IS A WORD) Kurt. You said that he always seems to win your wanky-offs, but with my help, you're going to do amazingly and win once and for all.

**I guess you can stay, San. **

_No fair! How come he gets help? Fine, I'm going to get Finn. FINN! _

**You do realise you just texted that instead of shouting, right? **

_I know. I was doing it for dramatic effect… _

**Oh, okay. **

Now I see why Kurt wins all the time…

**HEY! **

I'm sorry, but really? 

**What's up, Kurt? **

_I need your help. _

**Ah, you're playing Halo. Of course you need my help. You suck. **

_For the last time, I do not suck! _

**Yeah you do. **

You do. 

**You do. **

_Wow, all at once, huh? You guys really are annoying, you know that? _

**Sorry, honey, I love you! **

Oh cut the crap. I'm not here because I wanted to watch you two mentally undress each other! I'm here because I had nothing better to do and I want to help Guppy Face win Kurt at wankying!

**Never put 'Kurt' and 'wankying' in the same sentence. Ever. Again. **

**What's the matter, Finn? Me and Kurt and Santana are just wankying. **

**Gah. Sam, I hate you. **

_Now, boys, play nicely. Anyway, let's play another round of this stupid game. _

**You're enjoying it, aren't you? **

_No…I am not! _

**He's totally enjoying it, but he's too proud to admit that he's being amused by a 'stupid game'. In't that right, Kurt? **

Ha, he's blushing. You've been caught, Kurt. I thought you were slier than that.

_I hate you all. Right, I'm going to beat you all at this game now. I'm activating…Kurt Rage Mode. _

**Oh dear. Maybe we should all just go. **

What's Kurt Rage Mode. 

**You'll see. We're all staying…**

* * *

A FEW MINUTES LATER

* * *

OKAY WHAT THE HELL? WHAT ON EARTH IS THIS? I JUST GOT A PILLOW THROWN AT MY HEAD BECAUSE I WAS WINNING. NOW? GUESS WHAT, I'M NOT WINNING. KURT IS.

**Tell me about it. Kurt did some insanely sexual things to me whilst sitting on my lap. It kind of put me off. Now I'm last. **

**Yeah, well I got tickled half to death. How is it that Kurt could win without actually playing most of the time? **

_Because I'm Kurt Hummel, and I'm fabulous! _

Ugh. 

**Ugh. **

**Ugh. **

_Those books are purely literary masterpieces. The way the lies unfold and the secrets become more intense, genius! _

Those books are awful compared to the series.

_Yes, I'll concede that the series trumps the books, but the books are still amazing. Sara Shepard is a wonderful writer. _

She's good, but the books are not.

**Finn, are you just as lost as I am? **

**I don't know where I am at the moment. **

_Ah, what else is new, Finn? And Sam, Pretty Little Liars. _

**Wait, they're books too? **

_Amazing ones. _

**I have to read. **

I wouldn't. It's wasting your life away.

**Anyway, since I'm extraordinarily LOST, let's just move on. **

_Well since you turned off the Xbox, Finn because you lost, we should have a wanky competition. Finn and I versus you two, San and Sam. _

**Woah, I'm your brother! **

_That's why we're on the same team. You concentrate on taking down Sam. This is between me and Lopez for the title of Wanky Queen of Ohio 2012. _

Let's go bitch. 

_Round one: Innuendos. Finn, go. _

**Uh, Hey Sam, let's play house. You be the door and I'll slam you! **

**Finn, that shirt's very becoming on you. If I were on you, I'd be coming too! **

I can safely say that point goes to Finn. Sam, what the hell was that?

**I couldn't think of anything good.**

**Well, okay, Kurt and Santana are next. **

_Santana, let's play a game. I'll flip a coin: what are the chances of me getting head? _

Which is easier, Kurt? Getting into your tight pants or getting you out of them?

**Sam and I both agree that Kurt gets the point. **

What? That's not fair. Finn is on Kurt's team and Sam is his boyfriend…with a boner.

**DUDE! **

**What? We've played that coin flipping game before! Good times, good times. **

**I did not need that information in my life. **

Well, I certainly did. Anyway, Round 2: What Would You Do? The opposing set of players (me and Kurt and Finn and Sam) ask the others a situation question. The best response gets the point.

_Okay, Finn and Sam. What would you do if Channing Tatum for you, Sam and Taylor Swift (shudder) for you, Finn came up to you whilst you were in a relationship and asked if you wanted to head back to their room with them? _

**Well, I would call Kurt first and say 'OMG Channing Tatum wants to bang me!' and then Kurt would get excited and there'd be a hot threesome in which Magic Mike is partially re-enacted. **

**What I would do is make my girlfriend very, very jealous by telling her that she was flirting with me. She'd storm over and cause a scene and it'd end up with a catfight. I'd turn up the temperature so they remove their layers and then they have an underwear brawl. I would sit and watch…and other things and that'd be it. **

_I vote Sam. _

I'm going to have to go with Sam. You were pretty eager to vote for the opposing team, Kurt?

_Just that image. I can't even… _

**Traitor. **

**Anyway, Kurt and Santana…what would you do if you came home to find somebody doing 'The Naked Man/Woman' from How I Met Your Mother on your couch? **

_Well, what I would do is basically take him to the bedroom, oh but not before getting the whipped cream, feather duster and a whole lot of rope… _

**EW. **

**Don't 'ew' it until you've tried it, Finny. It happened to be very nice, actually. A word about your brother, though? He's a giant tease… **

Anyway, I would leave her on the couch, because there's never any time for walking to the bedroom when you have a naked girl on your sofa, right Finn? So there would be definitely use of my double ended…instruments and let's just say I'd be texting her phone a lot for lack of other means.

**:O **

That's right. 

**Santana gets my vote. **

**No way. Kurt totally wins that. The rope. Finn, the rope. **

_That rope happens to be very useful when persuading Sam to give me things. _

**Can I change my vote? **

The mobile phones, Finn. The phones.

**GAH, I CAN'T. **

**You guys just broke Finn, you know that? **

_Oops. _

**So, I am pleased to announce that the Queen of Wanky is… **

_Kurt. _

No, it's Santana.

**It's Finn. **

_WHAT?! _

WHAT?! 

**Mwaha, I'm joking, it's Kurt Hummel! **

_Well, naturally. _

That is a fix. You are his boyfriend. Of course you're going to think he's wankier than me.

_Sammy, remember the rope. Always, remember the rope. _

**God, the rope… **

_See, I will forever be wankier than you, Lopez. _

You win this time, I suppose. But watch out, bitch. I'm never far away…

_Okay, that's so damn creepy. Sam, protect me. _

**I apologise Kurt, I don't want to cross that face. **

_It's just her bitch face. Do you want mine? _

**Oh dear Lord, no! **

_-.-_

**I SAID NO?! WHY MUST YOU DO THAT?! **

_You should've protected me first time… _

**Lesson learned, boss.**

* * *

**A/N: Let me know if you liked having extra people join in the conversation! I can add others depending on the situation. Remember to review :D**


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